The 10 Best Astrology Resources for Beginners

Some of you have asked me about good starter resources to learn astrology, so I figured I'd create a one-stop beginner's spot. Feel free to share this post with others who are interested in learning more about astrology (by clicking on "share" in the upper-right corner of this blog under "About Me" or in the comments section).

Here's my favorite "beginner's kit":

1.
What is Astrology?
Getting Started with Astrology - The Basics of Astrology 
What are Sun Signs?
Understanding Your Birth Chart (click here for your free birth chart and natal report)

How a (pretty) birth chart looks...

...and what it means translated into English.

Don't worry if this looks weird to you. Understanding your birth chart isn't important in the beginning. All that's important right now is that you know it exists and that it's the foundation of astrology. The point is to make sure that you have your birth chart ready for when you are ready to understand it. Moving on...

BOOKS (Click on the hyperlinked book titles to purchase or read excerpts from the book.)

In general, my favorite astrologers are Trish MacGregor, Steven & Jodie Forrest, Liz Greene and Jan Spiller. All of them have been practicing astrology for decades, do consultations and live lectures. They all have books available on Amazon.

2. All Around the Zodiac: Exploring Astrology's 12 Signs by Bill Tierney

If my house were on fire and I only had time to save one astrology book, it would be this one. Great for beginning astrology fans as well as intermediate students. For beginners, this book can help you understand your Sun sign more. It also helps you understand the fundamental compatibility strengths and challenges with other Sun signs. Once you're more familiar with your birth chart, this is also an excellent resource to understand what it really means to have your Sun in Pisces, Moon in Sagittarius, Mercury in Libra, for example.

For intermediate students, you know that the study of astrology is very similar to the study of psychology. It's based on identifying personality types. All Around the Zodiac does a great job of describing the different energies, motivations and needs of each sign, which of course can be used in interpreting the rest of the chart beyond Sun signs. This book can help you understand how each sign, planet and house interact with each other on a deeper level - especially those signs that you're unfamiliar with because they're not strong in your own chart or in the charts of those in your family, social and work circles.

3. The Everything Astrology Book: Discover Your True Self Among the Stars by Trish MacGregor

If my house were on fire and I only had time to grab two astrology books, this would be the other one. Everything Astrology really is the only book you need to understand the basics. It begins by answering the basic question "What is Astrology?" and covers all of the building blocks of astrology, including the twelve Sun Signs, Astrological Patterns, Planets, Reading a Birth Chart, etc. Trish MacGregor writes for a variety of genres - including murder mystery novels! - so she's very adept at explaining these somewhat complex concepts in an interesting and easy-to-understand way. If you're a visual learner like me, you may also find value in the many illustrations. I often find myself referencing this book to refresh my memory or further understand a complicated concept that I'm learning somewhere else.

4. Chart Interpretation Handbook: Guidelines for Understanding the Essentials of the Birth Chart
by Stephen Arroyo & Jerilynn Marshall

Ok, here's where knowing that a birth chart exists begins to pay off. In my opinion, this is one of the best reference guides for helping to explain the birth chart (remember that pizza pie above?). It's easy to read and relatively short (for fellow ADD'ers) yet extremely thorough. Instead of telling you how to interpret a chart, Stephen helps you interpret a chart by explaining key concepts and then giving you room to come up with your own answers. The first time you look at your chart could be an overwhelming experience. There are all of these symbols and numbers on this big "pizza" that might as well be heiroglyphics.  But with this guide by your side, all of the squiggles will quickly make sense to you. One of my favorite things about this book is that it helped me zero in on the essence of a chart without getting hung up on all of the bells and whistles. No need to bite off more than you can chew.

WEBSITES (with mostly FREE content!)

5. Astrology Basics  - Written by Molly Hall, an astrologer with over 20 years of experience, this is one of the easiest to understand astrology websites I have run across.

6. Bob Marks - Astrology Lessons
This is basically a free online astrology course. Here, you can start in any order you like because the syllabus is pretty easy to follow. However, I don't recommend skipping around. Astrology is very similar to math in that you can't do long division without first knowing how to multiply. If you're starting out from scratch, it'll probably lessen your confusion to start with lesson 1.0 and go from there. I also like to recommend this site to people who are easily bored and don't like to read long, drawn-out descriptions. Bob gives you enough to get the gist and then keeps it moving.

7. Cafe Astrology
One of the most popular astro websites. You can get free reports & calculations (including your birth chart and a free natal report - highly recommended!), horoscopes & forecasts, advice, articles, book reviews, tools & resources and more.


BLOGS

8. Sasstrology
This site features my guest posts. :) Three years ago, it started as a blog that focuses on the astrology of love and sex called Seduction Central. Since then, it has evolved into an excellent astrology resource and #1 astrology social networking website for beginners and intermediate level fans.

VIDEOS (if you prefer hearing instead of reading)

9. For fun, try the cute, short how-to tutorial videos for your sign (or the sign of the person you're interested in). For example:

"AstroSex: Satisfy Your Cancer Gal"


"How To Make A Gemini Fall In Love With You"


10. Check out Elsa P's video blog.  She discusses astrological concepts and answers life questions using astrology - usually in under 3 minutes. Again, this is for my fellow ADD'ers. For example:

"Applying the Natural Zodiac To Solve All Of Your Problems"


"1 Minute Astrology - Conflict in Love and Relationships"


"Scorpios, Aquarians and the Other Signs You Hate"


"Defending Virgo" - a sign that gets a lot of abuse in the astrological world (along with Cancer and Capricorn)


"Synastry - An Effective Approach, Abstract But Logical"

BONUS:

Top Ten Astrology Blogs

 Black Love Signs: An Astrological Guide to Passion, Romance and Relationships for African-Americans

by Thelma Balfour

Get ready to smile and nod while you flip through this extremely popular book among African-Americans who are first learning about astrology. Black Love Signs focuses only on Sun signs (something that makes most astrologers cringe), so there are a lot of over-generalizations here. But it gets the job done. And it speaks in a language that many of us can appreciate - with a lot of references to black celebrities and black pop culture.

Sexscopes: How to Seduce, Stimulate, and Satisfy Any Sign

by Stuart Hazleton

One of the first astrology books that I read and enjoyed. It also deals with only Sun signs, so all you need is a birthday to understand it.  Warning: the tone is very cheeky and not for the easily offended. Also, advice is given for lesbians and gays as well as straight people, which is very rare in astrology "how to" books. Other good beginner books for lesbians and gays are Queer Astrology for Women and Queer Astrology for Men - both by Jill Dearman.

Love After Sex: Relationships by the Stars

by Olivia

So you found someone to have sex with and the sex is fabulous. Great! Buuuut, there are issues once you leave the bedroom (or the kitchen, the backyard, whereever). This book is the cheapest relationship therapy you will ever purchase. It focuses on Sun Signs so it's very much at a beginner's level. However, it gives really good insight into why people act the way they do in relationships. Most interpersonal conflicts are based on different values or different tactics to fulfill various needs. This book can help you make sense of the other person or, at the very least, see the other person's point of view - and who doesn't appreciate that in the middle of an argument? Also, the advice is awesome and served up with humor.

Mars & Sex: Secrets of Sexual Astrology

by Trish MacGregor

Once you've learned more about how the planets work within a birth chart, it's time to get to the good stuff: sexual chemistry! If you've been dying to know if you're compatible with that Special Person, then this is the book for you! As noted before, Trish is able to translate the meaning of Mars in a way that makes sense to a beginner. Mars & Sex is organized like a "cookbook", so you can easily look up the exact Mars placement you're interested in and read it quickly.  I suggest that you read this after you've read "The Everything Astrology Book" to understand how Mars works within the larger context of the entire birth chart. But even if you don't, this book is still enjoyable and useful as a great resource for vetting potential sexual chemistry according to the stars.

Skymates: Love, Sex and Evolutionary Astrology

by Jodie Forrest, Steven Forrest

After you've gotten the hang of interpreting your own (and someone else's) birth chart, now you're ready to study the potential compatibility between two people by interpreting how their charts will likely interact together. In my opinion, this is one of the best books on synastry because it explains the deeper meanings behind the astrological symbols. After all, astrology means nothing if it doesn't actually apply to a person's life. Otherwise, it's just a hypothesis. Jodie and Steven Forrest have over 60 years of combined experience practicing astrology, so they're excellent at giving signs, planets and houses more real-world meaning than most astrologers that I have studied.

Astrological Insights into Personality

by Betty Lundsted

This is my favorite book for understanding the aspect patterns within a birth chart. A great read for anyone with an interest in the psychology of people. Betty tends to focus on what the birth chart says about a person's childhood and how these aspect patterns manifest in adult behavior. An intermediate level read that's very insightful and rarely goes wrong!

Any book by Jan Spiller is a good selection, especially Astrology for the Soul. Jan focuses on evolutionary growth, finding your life path to complete your soul's purpose. These are good for if you're feeling stuck in a life rut or want to make a big change - career, partnerships, relocating, etc. Every thing we do comes down to "Does this make my soul happy or not?" and "Is this making me a better person or not?", so I highly recommend checking her out. Jan's books are at an intermediate level but can be understood once you understand the concepts of Lunar Nodes (aka North and South Nodes).

Enjoy your stargazing! :-)

If you would like a reading or consultation, let me know in the comments section or email me at jazzzyone@gmail.com. If you're looking for someone to predict the future, try someone else. Predictive astrology is not my focus.

For related astrology posts, click here.

This Song Is More Than "Good Enough"

First of all, I don't know why this song isn't a R&B hit. Probably because it wasn't released as a single. Why not? Here we have male singers who all have spent time in a Top 10 spot on the Billboard Pop or R&B charts individually, so releasing this as a single seems to be a no-brainer to me. But then again, I'm not smoking crack, so there's that...

Second of all, "Good Enough" is good enough to convince me that Brian McKnight, Joe (my birthday buddy!), Carl Thomas (a very underrated singer), Tyrese (Black Ty killed his singing career) and Tank (hotness!) need to do an entire album together. Before hearing it, I saw all of these male R&B singers on the track listing and thought: "great, another ego project". But there is no Gerald "And my background sang!" Levert moment here. Considering they are all songwriters as well as singers (Tank even wrote Tyrese's biggest hit "Sweet Lady"), there was ample opportunity for this collaboration to turn into a pissing contest if their egos were too large to fit on the same song. It would've been interesting to be a fly on the wall during the creative process.

With the opening dramatic strings, "Good Enough" grabs me by my heartstrings (and nether regions). The melody manages to be orchestral, haunting, sexy and beautiful all at the same time. I really didn't expect these men's voices to complement each other as well as they do. However, by the time we hear the first line "Neither one of us can get to sleep...", we know something serious is going on. The lyrics hint at smoldering sexual tension, longing, temptation...but we don't know where, how, or why. The verses are a game of tagteam with all five men singing the chorus together. Brian even adds his very decent Marvin Gaye impression @ 2:57. (I was going to break down each line but that would take the fun out of the game of matching each singer to their lines.)

On a personal note, I highly recommend this song to be played after a lovers' quarrel for a guaranteed steamy make-up session. ;)

What do you think? Is this song a hit or miss? Should more people know about it? Should it have been released as a single? What's your favorite part? What male R&B singer missed his chance to join in on the harmonies?  Who should have stayed at home on recording day? Discuss.

Buy "Good Enough" here. You can get the song for free if you click here and use the promo code "MP34Free" before browsing for the song. That offer is good until Nov. 30, 2009.


BONUS TRACK: Here's another good example of male R&B voices (Brian sure does like to collaborate, huh?) coming together in a beautiful way: "You Will Know" by Black Men United from the Jason's Lyric soundtrack. See if you can name all of the singers. :) Nice to see most of them are still around 16 years later. It's proof that true talent prevails...

New Rule: It Ain't Cheaper To Keep Her (Or A Cheater)

So angry that she can't spell her insults correctly.

This Just In: Cheaters are no longer getting away with cheating. Well, rich cheaters, that is.  There used to be a time when a rich man (especially a rich and/or famous man) could remind his wife of her fabulous lifestyle with a $4 million ring to keep her drugging her blues away turning a "blind" eye to her husband's ways. But no more!

Per TMZ: Tiger Woods' “serious” car accident followed a fight with his wife over his alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel. Elin allegedly confronted Tiger, scratched up his face (“facial lacerations”), and then followed him with a golf club when he tried to flee. A distracted Tiger (possibly on prescription meds?) then hit a fire hydrant. - Buzzfeed

I'm sure you remember Steve McNair, right? If not, allow me to refresh your memory...

The girlfriend of former NFL star Steve McNair first shot him in his right temple, then fired three more shots at close range, most likely as he slept, police said Wednesday.

"McNair was seated on the sofa and likely was asleep, and we believe that Kazemi shot him in the right temple, then shot him twice in the chest, and then shot him a final time in the left temple," Serpas said. Watch police chief describe murder-suicide »

McNair was married and had four children. Serpas said he had spoken with McNair's wife Wednesday to update her on the investigation.

The police chief said Kazemi had become rattled over the last week, believing that McNair was involved with another woman. "She had become very distraught and on two occasions told friends and associates that her life was all messed up and that she was going to end it all," Serpas said. - CNN

And just in case you think this is only happening with rich and/or famous people:

In Westmoreland County, PA, a woman who was sentenced to 6 months probation after gluing his testicles to his leg, his penis to his stomach, and his butt cheeks together, is being sued by the man.

She also dumped nail polish on his head. When he woke up, the woman threw him out, forcing him to walk a mile down the street to call police. At the hospital, nurses had to peel the glue off, because oils did little to help remove the glue.

The woman's attorney claims that this was routine sexual activity between the couple.  The jury of 10 men and 2 women can award over $30,000. - Shortnews

A jury of 10 men and 2 women? This woman obviously doesn't have a good attorney. Wonder how they'll rule. Hmm...

Now I don't condone violence in retaliation for cheating but all of these stories should be a wake-up call for cheaters. Notice what else most of these couples have in common besides cheating & violence: children.  #1 reason stated why most unhappy couples (married or unmarried) stay together? Their children. If nothing else, really think about the children. If you're reading this and are in a similar situation, trust me on this: you're doing your children no favors. It's highly unlikely that they will flourish in this kind of toxic environment.

In the wise words of my mama: "Staying with the wrong person leaves no room in your life for the right person to move in the right way." In other words, committing to the wrong person is emotionally, as well as financially, expensive.

Dear Unmarried-But-Living-Together Couples: There's a such thing as palimony. Dear Married Fellas: if you're rich, then it's no longer cheaper to keep her. Get a divorce lawyer. Or pay with your life. Dear Married Ladies: Stay with a cheating husband and you'll pay with your sanity.  Because he'll have you sounding and acting "wack". Like this...

Whitney, p1- "Crack is wack!" And so were their addictions to "love".


Whitney, p2


Whitney p3 - Whitney's a horrible liar. Check out her body language while she and Bobby deny strong use and Bobby denies being jealous. Looking at this in retrospect, she was trying to snitch on MJ, too...


Whitney, p4 - Whitney can play piano?!


Whitney, p5


Related posts:
Redemption (a poem for Whitney)

New Rule: Americans Can't Vote Anymore

Exhibit A:
Sarah Palin was a U.S. Vice Presidential candidate.



Exhibit B:

Sarah Palin is a "bestselling author" - even though her book is barely true and barely written by her. Americans don't like to let pesky facts get in the way of our enjoyment of autobiographies.

Exhibit C:
Sarah Palin is the spokesperson for the newly formed Tea Party. And these are her supporters:

 

Exhibit D:
Last night, Donny Osmond took home the tacky mirror ball trophy on Dancing With the Stars (DWTS) - despite almost injuring his partner several times throughout the season by tripping over her costume and flubbing dance steps.  Meanwhile, the runner-up, Mya, never fell or missed a step and was the first contestant of the season to get a perfect 30 score (that's 10's from all 3 judges who are PROFESSIONAL DANCERS). So how did Donny manage to pull a fix win out of his ass at the last minute? (Hint: The one the judges keep referring to as the "crowd favorite" always wins DWTS).

The problem with DWTS: Americans are allowed to vote on the winner. Audience participation is part of the appeal of this show but...should the opinions of non-dance experts really weigh as much as the opinions of professional dancers? Not if DWTS actually wants to be known as a legitimate dance contest. 

Let's do some comparing, shall we?

Here's Mya, Donny & Kelly performing the same dance to the same music at the same time side-by-side. This really should tell us all we need to know since we're comparing apples to apples:



In a last-couple-standing competition, Mya outlasted Donny. Naturally.


Now let's compare Mya v. Donny performing a few of the same dances individually.

Mya's Salsa



She received a very well-deserved perfect 30/30.

Donny Osmond's Salsa (as part of a group dance)



He received a perfect 10/10.

Mya's Samba



She received a 30/30 (the first perfect score of her season).


Donny's Samba - to his own 70's hit (maybe Mya should've been as narcissistic?)




He received a 26/30.

Mya's Argentine Tango


She received a 27/30.

Donny's Argentine Tango


He received a 29/30.

Mya's Quickstep



Donny's Quickstep



Now let's compare their "bad" dances...

Mya's Freestyle (A snoozer routine compared to what we're used to seeing from her)

Donny's Tango (He trips on his partner's costume and immediately blames it on seeing his sister in the audience - the sister that has been in the audience for almost every show.)


I know what you Dancing With the Stars fans are thinking: What about Kelly Osbourne?

Kelly Osbourne even being in the final 3 proves my point that Americans shouldn't be allowed to vote on anything. She's graceless and flat-footed. Here's her finale performance (i.e. after months of practice):


To really appreciate (or care) how bad of a decision it was for Donny Osmond to win Dancing With the Stars, you'd have to understand the history of this show. Black women are continuously robbed of higher placings. You be the judge:

Last season, Lil Kim placed 5th. Here she is doing the Argentine Tango:



And here's Ty Murray (the male dancer) who placed ahead of Lil Kim also performing the Argentine Tango:



Here's Mel B (aka Scary Spice) performing the Paso Doble (the judges rate it "the best dance of the season so far" but apparently that's not good enough to get them past 2nd place):



Here's the winner of Mel B's season, Hélio Castroneves , also performing the Paso Doble:


Here's Laila Ali's Mambo. She placed 3rd in her season. Btw, she (like Mya) received her season's first "10" (but that doesn't seem to matter, does it?).


And here's Joey Fatone also performing the Mambo. He placed 2nd (ahead of Laila Ali):


In previous seasons, the rankings were debatable but this season it is undebatable. Mya consistently scored higher than Donny and was on the top of the Leaderboard (high scores combined with most votes from America) more times than Donny Osmond - and with less training! Also, Mya never made a mistake on her steps and never fell. Neither Donny nor Kelly can make the same claim. Her only issues, according to the nitpicky judges?  Not enough "chemistry" with your partner and too many gimmicks (maybe she should've worn a silly costume with crazy makeup, sexually assaulted a judge, or pandered to her fanbase by dancing to her own hits?).  I guess a black woman has to be more than perfect to win a damn dance contest in America.

So no more voting for you, America! Because even if you manage to do it right, it won't count anyway.

Fear of Failure Is So Yesterday

One of my favorite personality tests asks a great question: "Which is better: to always wonder what if or find out and be disappointed?" With more life experience, my answer has changed over the years...

Facebook reunited me
With my first real crush
Years later, I still blush
We take each other in
Exchange our histories
Memories wash over me
But we're grown now
You call me beautiful
I say, "So is your family"
But think, "Your wife...
...reminds me of me."
My happiness for you
Is mixed with sadness for me

My mom told me of your plan
Of marriage and plenty of kids
...the plan that co-starred me
But I never knew way back when...
You chased and tagged me
I chalked it up to hostility
You whispered lyrics in my ear
I thought to antagonize me
You challenged my conclusions
I thought you faulted my thinking
Liking you anyway drove me crazy
But I held that secret close to me
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
Would open it up to your arrows

We were schoolmates for 5 years
Yet you remained with me
As the standard of measure
For all of my infatuations
A cycle of expectations
That was first spun by you
Today brought awareness
I yearn for the unrequited
While settling for "mutual"
No one who knew us 
Was surprised by news
Of you liking me too
So why couldn't I see
What was in plain view?
A sudden jolt of awakening
Brought me to this epiphany:
You were never my first crush
Because my first crush was me


This very recent experience inspired thoughts of my very real fear of failure and how it has taken me down various paths which have led me to my current self.

My loved ones think of me as someone who isn't afraid of taking bold action. And that's true to some extent. I make bold moves on things that others find intimidating.  It was no problem for me to spontaneously take time off of college to visit different countries for weeks at a time, getting back on an airplane immediately after 9/11, taking leave from financially secure employment to take a financially and geographically insecure job as a community organizer, etc.

No, those big steps aren't a problem for me. It's the less adventurous tiny steps that feel me with dread.

I'm still in the midst of breaking the cycle of not recognizing people's "subtle" interest in and/or approval of me. Anticipating rejection where there is none and then running in the direction of a sure thing has led me to miss out on a lot of opportunities in life - in love, in school, in work, etc.  And when I find out that I viewed the situation incorrectly (i.e. not in my favor), I'm left with always wondering "what if". What if I had chosen to date Crush #1 in my teens instead of Ex #1? What if I hadn't talked myself out of applying to America's #1 university? What if I had accepted the acceptance from my longtime #1 university choice? What if I had flown to the battleground states instead of the state where most of my family resides? What if I would stop choosing the safety option (which, in my case, is the option that is most likely to lead me away from my heart's ultimate desire) as a consolation prize when I'm too afraid to fully compete?

With regards to romantic relationships, my exes and I both knew that they were my consolation prizes but I still tried to pretend that #2 is #1. Time after time, this has only led to mutual disappointment. They're trying to live up to this #1 standard in my mind yet always feeling like a failure when I'm disappointed (by the way, birds of a feather really do flock together). I'm setting them up for failure while setting myself up for disappointment because #2 can never really win against an if only #1 dream.  Painful is learning that I was the #1 choice for my #1 choice. This has happened more than a few times.

One of the many "what if's" that still haunts me to this day: What if I had taken my manager up on that huge promotion? Unfortunately for me, I'll never know the answer to that question. When a former manager began training me to take her place as Director of Sales for a major hotel, I left the company because my first four months in the new position would coincide with her maternity leave. I was afraid of taking her place without her guidance. I was afraid of reporting directly to our General Manager on a daily basis because she's notoriously hard to please. Never mind that on my interview, our General Manager complimented me on coming off as highly competent and responsible. Never mind that our General Manager's manager, the VP of Regional Sales, promised that she would be there for me, too. Instead, fear wrote and turned in my rash two-week notice. At the time, I provided plenty of excuses reasons for quitting. But fear recognizes fear.

On my last day, my manager took me to lunch and gave me a fear-of-failure chart (you can probably guess how I interpreted that little gesture!). Of all of the lessons she taught me, our conversation about this chart is one of my most treasured gifts from her. I often reference it during periods of contemplation and indecision (which are frequent for me).

As we can see from this chart, failure (when mixed with courage) can yield something positive (e.g. innovation). However, excellence never results from languishing in fear.

In addition to reviewing this chart at my greatest times of fear, I recall these sage words from our former U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt:

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

Striving for my second choice is so yesterday. It's best for me to always go for my first choice. Yes, there's the possibility of great rejection and disappointment but there's also the possibility of great happiness from getting what I really want. Trust me, there is no sense of accomplishment when you succeed at getting #2.

Recently, life has been bearing out the correctness of my new "no fear" policy. There are several examples (maybe that'll come in future posts), but the most relevant one is...

After leaving a place where free thought is encouraged, I bounced between environments in which I had to justify/defend every expressed feeling and unconventional thought. As a result, I learned how to keep my thoughts to myself for fear of ridicule, chastisement, critique, mental and emotional fatigue, of being inarticulate, of being misunderstood. So having a blog and tweeting is a big step for me in terms of sharing my feelings without a strong trigger (e.g. purging them in the middle of an argument).  I'm not the only one who has noticed that I'm much more serene now that I don't keep my thoughts bottled up as much. A few friends have urged me to perform some pieces at a local spoken word spot but...baby steps. :-)

The fear of failure is classified as a bonafide phobia. Perfectionism (aka fear of making mistakes) and a fear of success (aka fear of not living up to high expectations) usually accompany a fear of failure. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: quitting, rationalizations of quitting, avoiding competitive environments, preemptive excuses, anger, breathlessness, excessive sweating, dry mouth, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, fear of dying, losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality or a full-blown anxiety attack. The fear of failure happens to be the most common one after the fear of death. Yet people rarely admit to having this fear. In America, we glorify boldness, confidence, "faking it until we make it". And I have learned my lesson well. But while others are convinced of my confidence, inside I know that fear resides next to the fire in my belly.

As with other phobias, they can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors that make the sufferer experience self-fulfilling prophecies of doom. Fortunately, there are ways to heal oneself of a phobia. But it takes a lot of hard work, positive visualization and faith in oneself to be stronger than the phobia. Most importantly, overcoming a phobia relies on continuously challenging oneself to step outside of one's comfort zone.

To paraphrase one of my favorite quotes: Courage is not the absence of fear; rather, it is moving forward in the face of fear.

Do you have a fear of failure? A fear of success? How has that fear limited you? How have you worked through that fear? What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

Check out Toni Braxton and Trey Songz singing my (past) love life with this song...




Related posts:
Daily Inspiration 

Related resources:
What is the fear of failure?
Embracing the Fear of Failure

Fired Up and Ready to Go!!

This year, I was gearing up as a Phonebank Coordinator for San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom's campaign for CA Governor...but then he dropped out of the race. I was left with all of this resurrected fire-in my-belly energy with no direction.  Someone in Gavin's campaign suggested that I rejoin Organizing for America (formerly Obama for America). If I were a cartoon character, a lightbulb would've been hovering over my head after hearing those words. As regular Random Readers know, I worked as an Obama Organizing Fellow last year. It was a great experience - one that I plan to continue to duplicate on other political campaigns.

Here's my new blog post on my Organizing for America (OFA) page:

It's been awhile since I've been active here. Honestly, after working night and day to get President Obama elected, I thought I'd be able to rest on my laurels...or at least rest. But noooo, his critics started in on him immediately - as in Nov. 5, 2008 immediately.  So I have been working unofficially by writing letters to editors, rounding up support for health care, explaining the bill drafts to friends and strangers, correcting the media, etc.  But I want to organize my efforts and measure my results. So I'm back. I miss having reinforcements and knowing that I'm not in this fight alone. Most of all, I miss being around doers instead of talkers.

I've been easing my way back into the swing of things by attending a few events per week. This past Wednesday, I attended the Northern CA Weekly Conference Call to see what our strategy is for getting health care passed. Last Thursday, I attended my first official Call for Health Care event. It was great! Much easier than Calling for Change :) Partly because we were calling from a list of people who already support the President and/or the health care reform bill. Preaching to the choir for a change feels good! Of the 30 calls I made, I spoke to about 10 people who were at home. They were all still on-board with reform and agreed to call their congressional representatives to let them know. 

One very memorable call: an 80 year-old man who was so passionate about this issue! He told me a couple stories about falling through the "donut hole" - the gap between Medicare insurance coverage.  At the end of our call, he wanted to do more than  just call his representatives (again), though. He wanted to personally visit their offices so they could SEE just who is in need of new health care. I'm paraphrasing because he used more...colorful language. :)  He signed up as a volunteer to help spread the word about health care. That was my last call of the night. I left on a high note to see an elderly person with that much fight in him, who is willing to use his *ahem* gift of gab in a productive way.  He reminded me of my 86 year-old grandmother writing 80 postcards to send to people for Obama for America.

It was a very encouraging first night back in the saddle, so to speak. I look forward to tomorrow's tabling event to inform shoppers about health care (we created a game to make the information exchange fun). Next week, I'm hosting a couple of events. We'll see if I still have my organizing touch. :) Let's get it done!

What is Organizing For America (OFA)?

"This victory alone is not the change we seek —
it is only the chance for us to make that change."

— President Barack Obama, Election Night, 2008

Organizing for America, the successor organization to Obama for America, is building on the movement that elected President Obama by empowering communities across the country to bring about our agenda of change.

In 2008, millions of Americans got involved in the political process — many for the first time — to fight for a new kind of politics and a better future for our country. Those voices enabled a new beginning — a chance to pursue the real world change our country needs. Now it's time for our movement to rise again, stand with President Obama, and make that promise a reality.

There are many ways to get involved:

• Joining grassroots OFA campaigns to support the President's agenda. Online, on the phone, on doorsteps and in town halls in communities across the country, we're building the bottom-up support that makes real change possible.
• Spreading the word to friends and neighbors about the President's approach on the big issues facing our nation, like health care, energy and education. Nothing is more powerful than your voice in your community.
• Serving our community in ways big and small. Rebuilding America starts today.
• Connecting with other supporters to form strong local groups, ready to take on whatever challenges we face.
• Supporting leaders who share our values and are ready to carry forward the fight for change .

Our task is enormous. To succeed, we'll need all Americans, no matter how they may have voted, to join us in the work ahead. If we set aside the old politics that have kept us apart, there's no limit to what we can achieve.

Together, we can create a sustainable and independent clean energy economy. We can provide all American children the first rate education they deserve. And we can finally guarantee high-quality, affordable health care to every American man, woman and child.

Last November, the American people sent Washington a clear mandate for change. But when the polls close, the true work of citizenship begins. That's what Organizing for America is all about. Now, in this crucial time, our voice once again has extraordinary power. Let's use it.

As stated above, there are so many different ways to get involved - and it all depends on how much time and effort you want to spend. You can sign up to volunteer for Organizing For America here. Subscribe to the OFA Blog to keep tabs on the actions of President Obama and the OFA volunteers.

What cause is close to your heart? How do you volunteer in your community? Share your stories!

While you're here, check out these powerful videos:

The difference between campaigning and maintaining a movement in a community.


Candidate Obama introduces his fellowship program.


Related posts:
Does Bitching = Action?
Politics v. Politricks (Obama Fellow experiences)
Pet Peeve #1: Men I'm Not Having Sex With Having a Say About My Hypothetical Abortions  (health care)
Dear politics: I'm Just Not That Into You  (politics as a spectator sport v. politics to effect change)
(Almost) Tired of Defending the Truth (media B.S.)

Dear Visionary (part 2)

Dear Deadbeat Dads: I Believe You Can Change

You'll have to excuse all of the children posts but I'm ovulating, so the good, bad and ugly of children are heavily on my mind. I'm also currently in the middle of doing research for a study on families. A couple days ago, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek post about hating other people's kids. Yesterday, I read a beautiful post in support of single mothers. And I just read a post on Single Sisters Speak Out written by a guest blogger about what I like to refer to as "deadbeatdadism".  So, yes, children and families are heavily on my mind. And since I write my feelings until they're gone, I must exorcise them here.

This "deadbeat dad" condition worries me a great deal because I believe that family is the foundation of any society. We can surmise a great deal about the health of a society by examining family statistics such as marriage rates, divorce rates, average # of children per household, # of single parents v. married parents, # of extended familes, blahblah. We can debate all day about whether children are better off in homes with single parents v. married parents v. stepparents v. heterosexual parents v. homosexual parents v. surrogate parents, but the bottom line is that the general condition of families in America is critical. And African-American families are in even worse condition. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, African-Americans are the least partnered racial group. Yes, children can be raised well in a single parent home but that's not an optimal situation by any means - for many reasons (which is enough to fill up a different and even lengthier post).

What drew me to reading "Inside the Mind of a Deadbeat Dad" is a search for answers about why men ditch the responsibilities of co-raising their children.  The post didn't really answer my question. And it couldn't really - because it's an isolated story about an isolated case that has become a national epidemic. But if I could interview every deadbeat dad, I would.

Here's a list of just some of the questions I would ask (I welcome any deadbeat dads to answer them):

1. Why did you leave?
2. Do you feel any responsibility to the children you helped create?
3. Why do you leave your children that you helped create but then take care of the next woman's children (who may or not be your biological children)?
4. How is your relationship with your father? Do you think that relationship has influenced your actions as a father?
5. How do you define manhood?
6. How did you develop your definition of manhood? 
7. By your own definition, do you consider yourself a man?
8. Do you ever plan on rectifying the situation with your children?

And I should start by interviewing my own father. From the age of 0-8, my father was a full-time dad. I wouldn't say he was as hands-on of a parent as my mom, but I remember his presence. I was my mom's road partner but I was a daddy's girl. I thought he was the best man in the whole wide world and would dare anyone to say differently. He prepared me for school in the mornings. He taught me how to tie my shoelaces. He took me to the gym to watch him play basketball. We built sandcastles at the park. We swapped the stories of our day as we walked around the neighborhood. We watched a lot of movies together. He taught me how to count and save money in my piggy jar. I tried to practice Ramadan with him. We said our prayers together at night. I remember almost everything we did together. Because I cherished our quality time.

But then I turned 8 and my dad was pushed out moved 3,000 miles away to Atlanta, GA and our close bond was severed. I still visited him for summers and the occasional holiday but it wasn't the same. Going from having my dad around daily to only seeing him 2 or 3 times a year was like forcing a crack addict to quit cold-turkey. My withdrawal symptoms included becoming functionally dysfunctional: silent at school, disinterested in my studies (something I previously enjoyed), antisocial with friends, angry and distant with my mom, anti-authority and more.

The father that I had revered seemingly turned into a deadbeat dad overnight. He would go forever without calling (note to deadbeat dads: weeks in adult time feels like forever to a child). And when he did call, he would request that I call him (to avoid the long-distance charges). He would cancel some of my planned visits at the last minute - the infrequent visits that I looked forward to more than anything. I later found out that this was because of the woman he was dating at the time - who is now my stepmother.  When I turned 11, they became engaged (I had only met her once before when she was randomly introduced to me as "a family friend").

During a summer visit to their new house, my dad convinced me to live with them. He definitely had visions of a perfect family dancing around in his head. I agreed because I had visions of spending more time with him dancing around in my head. That didn't work out quite how we planned, though - considering he married a woman who had no intentions of sharing a house with a stepdaughter and my dad is the ultimate people-pleaser. Three years of drama later, my little brother arrived and it was plain enough for me to see that my brother would be getting a completely different father than the one I knew. My little brother has lived with my father every day for the past 16 years, doesn't have to experience having a father choose his current wife over him, or try to change the things about him that reminds his father of why he divorced his mother. And so on.

Even now, 20 years later, the loosely respectful bond that my father and I now share is not nearly as strong as it was in my pre-teen years. I'm cordial to him but we go months without speaking (although when we do, we can talk on the phone for hours). But the heart connection is gone. I no longer think he's perfect - or anywhere near perfect.  As a matter of fact, he is the blueprint for what I don't want to date or marry in a man. A part of me still hasn't forgiven him for being able to restart a new life with a new wife and a new child and not have the urge to see about me for any reason other than completing this picture of Perfect Family. I go out of my way to date men who don't remind me of him in the slightest (although sometimes I do end up dating a remixed version of Daddy). I don't want my children to experience rejection from their father at any point in their lives.

For the sake of privacy and brevity, I'm leaving a lot of details out of my Daddy Story. But even with the details in play, my father is by no means the worse of the litter. The fact that I even know my father makes my Daddy Story a more triumphant one than many other people's Daddy Stories. And that's just unacceptable to me.

We must choose better. Women need to choose sex partners, and therefore potential fathers, better. Men need to choose to be a better father - regardless of whether or not they have a good relationship with their own father. If we don't have the tools to make better choices, then we must exercise our free will and obtain them. There are plenty good role models around for us if we open our eyes and look for them.

Now that I'm the same age my dad was when he and my mother divorced, I have a new perspective for his situation. At 22, he was very young when he became a father for the first time.  I can't imagine what type of mother I would've been at 22. Oh the mistakes I probably would have made. So I have some empathy for my dad. However, he is now 53. In those 30 years between becoming a father and now, his attempts at correcting past behaviors have been alternately painful (for me) and laudable (for him).  He's tried everything from advising me on how to dress and date (FAIL!) to including me on family events/trips (SUCCESS!). Just this year, I received a text message from him that apologized for the hurt he has caused me and invited me to discuss my feelings with him. I thanked him for the offer but told him I'm not ready to have that conversation with him (mostly because I have tried before but he always ends up "lawyering" me and I don't have much faith in a future conversation being any different). But I appreciate the offer and know that's a step in the right direction for us.

Almost daily, I hear someone express the opinion that people don't and can't change. Well, I disagree.  It's never too late to stop being a deadbeat dad.

Dear Deadbeat Dads: Make restitution by apologizing to the children and baby mothers you leave. And then become an active parent. It doesn't matter whether your child is 5 years old or 35 years old. You don't have to be perfect to be a good father. We may give you grief for having ditched us but, trust me, we will appreciate the effort to bridge the distance. Because the fact is we need you and always miss you.

That's my Daddy Story. As a daughter, son, mother or father, what's your Daddy Story?

My response to Inside the Mind of a Deadbeat Dad:

Powerful post. It's nice to hear a "deadbeat dad" be so introspective and public about being an absent father. After reading your post, I'm still left with the unanswered question: "Why is it so easy for men to leave their own biological kids to then take care of the next woman's kids (bio or not)?" I see this so much and am very puzzled by it.

You mentioned one reason why you justified leaving your kids in the care of your ex-wife: because you knew she was "capable" of juggling single parenthood with life but...is that really fair? Just because women CAN do something alone doesn't mean they SHOULD be doing something alone.

I don't know if your ex-wife is a black woman but I do know that "the strong black woman" myth running around is often used as an excuse for men to leave "strong black women" with the job of raising kids solo. That myth does a disservice to black women and black men.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

If this post moves you, please check out these truly "related posts":
Inside the Mind of a Deadbeat Dad (Single Sisters Speak Out)
Max Reddick Supports Single Mothers (SoulBrother v.2)
Win/Win (2 poems about relationship solutions from a male/female perspective)
Happy Father's Day (a poem for my father)
Do You Hate Other People's Kids? Join the Club (for laughs)
A Perfectly Imperfect Marriage (The Obamas' marriage, for example)

New Rule: Don't Raise An "Other People's Kid"

"Having children is the truest act of hope one can engage in..." ~ Jara

Dear [omitted to protect the innocent],

Last week, I returned from your baby shower. You looked so beautiful with your pre-mommy glow.

But I have a confession...

Your husband gave me I Hate Other People's Kids as a gag gift but...there are pearls of wisdom in this book. And I'm a bit worried about what that means for me as your child's possible godmother.  Because I'm overly identifying with Adrienne Frost's point of view:

"The unending permissiveness and passiveness with which parents treat their kids ends up dampening your enjoyment of everyday life. Often a child's tantrum in a public place is met with a soft pat on the bottom and an unapologetic smile at the poor souls who had to witness and hear it. Bawling children are left to "cry it out", without acknowledgment from the parents, while we have to listen to them stammer and spit until they're hoarse...Other People's Kids yell, scream, cry, plot, steal, trick, annoy, destroy, and do all sorts of other things to make you hate them. In fact, it's perfectly acceptable to out-and-out dislike them before they do anything at all. We have rights too! We have the right not to get screamed at, stepped on, or kicked by kids."

And so on. Did your husband think I would be shaking my head at this author's horrible point of view? I'm shaking my head at the truth on these pages. I was more than annoyed when the devil in a Transformers T-shirt kid behind me was interrupting my enjoyment of "This Is It" by doing his version of the moonwalk along the back of my seat. I mentally cursed out his parents for even bringing him to see a movie that ended at 11pm on a school night!  Yesterday, I bought an extra pack of condoms after a little RoadRunner girl ran over my foot with the shopping cart that she had no business commanding. (New Rule: If your child is not taller than the shopping cart, she cannot control the steering. If your kids want to play with a shopping cart, give 'em one of these.)

Remember how we used to laugh at Other People's Kids? Please, please, please don't be one of those parents that raises an Other People's Kid. Take note of Adrienne Frost's categories:

THE HELLBOUND TYKE

"These are kids who are easy to spot and avoid. They're the ones who wear their dysfunction like badges at a convention for the irritating: "Hi, my name is Tyrant!" Should you find yourself in the vicinity of the Hellbound Tyke, run - you can still make it out alive. You stand a chance if you know the signs and can plan your escape route early."

NINJA

"These kids are deceptively calm on the surface...The second the parent's back is turned, they kick their siblings. They pull their dogs' ears. They bite their playmates. They build neutron bombs. Then, right as you're about to say something to their parents about their kid's behavior, they sprout angel wings and a halo and go back to reading The Pokey Little Puppy with wide eyes."

TASMANIAN DEVIL

"The child who runs rampant, leaving havoc and destruction in his or her wake.  You can hear their screaming and hollering, like banshees, from the next shopping aisle. Accompanying their vocals is the sound of inventory slamming to the ground, courtesy of outstretched arms continually whirling like an uncontrollable windmill. They aren't angry or upset over anything; they just love to demolish everything in their path."

LINEBACKER

"The child bearing huskiness. These aren't the fat kids; these are unusually large and hormonally-charged kids who pick on everyone else."

SECOND-RATE COMEDIANS

"Some people think it's clever when kids have smart mouths...The act is not cute. It's annoying. It's insolence. Once kids think that cursing, being sarcastic or correcting a grown-up is acceptable, forget it. They'll spout damns and hells with a self-satisfied smirk as the room erupts into laughter and their parents feign shock."

ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWNS

"Those kids who voraciously watch the Discovery and History Channels for dinner and top it off with The Learning Channels for dessert. Then pass every tidbit they've absorbed onto you."

RAMBLER

"They talk continuously, and they don't have the ability to segue. For example, they went to the playground, and they swung on the swings, and they ate a hot dog, and the sky is blue today, and cats don't like water, and baby frogs are called "tadpoles". Listening to them feels like some perverted hypnosis. Your eyelids keep getting heavy, but you can still hear them. The other type of motormouths are the kids who have no internal censor whatsoever. Not only do they ask inappropriate questions, the give out way too much information: "Why is that man faaaaaat?" "My daddy sleeps on the couch." "My mommy's ka-gina is itchy."

So, [still protecting the innocent here], I hope you understand why I paused when you asked me about being your child's godparent. I know it seems like I love children because I color with them, have conversations with them, snuggle with them and ooh and ahh over them but...my love is more of the love/hate brand when it comes to kids. I love the children with good home-training but wish I could eat the ones who are being raised by permissive, in-over-their-heads parents.

Hating (other people's) kids is the new atheism/agnosticism. It's just not something that people can easily admit without getting That Look Of Judgment from others. That look that asks "where's your humanity?" if we don't find every child absolutely adorable. That look that says "so...you must be a devil-worshipper then" if we don't plan on having children any time soon. I usually answer "someday" to The Question.

But here's the real deal:

My biologicial clock has been on
Snooze all of my life
I'm still waiting to hear the beep others speak of
Every month A Visitor stops by
And I cuddle my womb,
Dreaming of when it will house new life
My heart warms at the thought
But my mind can't fathom
The light of the ultrasound
Or picture the combination of me and him
Not that I don't like children but...
I'm a recovering perfectionist
I just can't introduce my unborn child
To this imperfect world
This world is not enough
For my future dreams
Not only is the better version of me
Not in the oven
But the ingredients haven't even met one another
Our children are where our hopes and dreams end
We pass the torch on to them
Hoping they take us further
Than we dared to go
But I'm not done dreaming for me yet
And I don't have enough dreams for two
Yet 

In other words, you might wanna sit on your initial request for a bit...because these are the only bad Other People's Kids I'm gonna tolerate.


Love,
Your Bestie  

For your viewing pleasure, here's the ultimate birth control advertisement (I dare you not to laugh):


Related posts:
Does Your Child Attend Stanky Leg Elementary?
Do Black Children Need Their Own Schools?

If you wanna commiserate with me, you can buy "I Hate Other People's Kids"  here.