A Perfectly Imperfect Marriage (aka Even Perfect Marriages Kinda Suck)

Many of President Obama's haters critics are created from (and energized by) the belief that his life is just too damned charmed: perfect wife, perfect kids, perfect job, even a perfect dog; it's all enough to activate a perfectly strong gag reflex, right? Some of these same haters critics have even speculated that he uses his marriage (and Michelle's extremely high approval ratings) as a shield when the political heat gets turned up and he doesn't want to leave the metaphoric kitchen.  Some of his critics may have half a point there, and they may be pleased at what they find if they looked closer at the "perfect" Obamas.

In the midst of the controversial health care reform negotiations in Congress (just one of the many projects the Obama Administration is presently working on), out comes the recently published New York Times article that gives us an extensive peek inside the Obamas' self-admitted "imperfect" marriage. In the article, Michelle describes some of the couple's more "bumpy" patches, including then-Senator Obama spending so much time away from their Chicago home to handle U.S. Senator business in D.C. (this is the couple's first time living together full-time since 1996!); having to negotiate (and re-negotiate) the division of the household chores and childrearing duties, etc. So...all of the common issues that most married couples have to face?:

(“The bumps happen to everybody all the time, and they are continuous,” the first lady told me in a let’s-get-real voice, discussing the lowest point in her marriage.)

But this isn't a normal marriage, which is highlighted by President Obama's major beef: how his political opponents try to score points using his marriage as a dartboard:

“I would say the one time during our stay here in the White House so far that has. . . .” He paused so long in choosing his words that Michelle Obama, sitting alongside him, prompted him. “Has what?”
“Annoyed me,” the president answered.
“Don’t say it!” the first lady mock-warned. “Uh-oh.”
“Was when I took Michelle to New York and people made it into a political issue,” he continued, recalling the evening last spring when they flew to New York for dinner and a show, eliciting Republican gibes for spending federal money on their own entertainment.

The author focuses on the uncomfortable changes that the presidency has brought to the marriage:

Like every other modern presidential couple, the Obamas have watched their world contract to one building and a narrow zone beyond, and yet their partnership expand to encompass a staff and two wings of the White House. And while the presidency tends to bring couples closer, historians say, it also tends to thrust them back to more traditionbound behavior.

For all of their ease in public, the Obamas do not seem entirely comfortable with the bargain.  As they talked about their marriage, they seemed both game and cautious, the president more introspective about their relationship, the first lady often playing the big sister dispensing advice to younger couples.

Then I asked how any couple can have a truly equal partnership when one member is president.

Good question.

While Barack Obama was running for president of the United States, I read a few old interviews with the Obamas (some even dating back to very early on in their marriage in the mid-90's) where they discussed Bachelor Barack's habit of arguing whether marriage is still a viable institution (even after a few years of dating Michelle). At the time, that went against everything that I knew about the present-day family man, but made perfect sense to me after considering his nomadic childhood and his mother's two failed marriages.

As a fellow child of divorce, I relate to Bachelor Barack's point of view. Regardless of how romantic or idealistic children of divorce (and especially children of parents that were never even married in the first place) may be, somewhere in the back of our minds we doubt that happily-ever-afters really exist. We're experts on how to break up, though.  Some of us remain eternal commitment-phobes while others over-compensate for our parents ditching their relationship by hanging onto our relationships way past their healthy expiration dates - just so we won't be relationship-deserters like our parents. While all of us become experts at dissolving relationships, the more fortunate of us have learned how to dissolve a relationship peacefully (e.g., my father acted as the attorney for my parents' divorce and my parents remain close friends. I blame them for my insane unrealistic expectation of unemotional breakups.).

As of today, approximately 50% of all American marriages end in divorce (and no telling how many more want to get divorced but don't for whatever reason) so this issue isn't an uncommon one. There are plenty of grown-up children of divorce walking around grasping at whatever positive role models for marriage that we can find to validate the institution's necessity.

Enter the Obamas.

As much as I'm tracking the daily happenings of the Obama Administration (gotta keep an eye on my investment, ya know), I'm also closely watching how the Obamas build bridges over troubled marriage waters. I truly appreciate them allowing us glimpses inside of a political marriage when they may be tempted to present a facade of perfection that so many other public couples attempt to maintain for our sake.

Although I'm a  previously undercover romantic idealist, I'm no longer veering wildly between the two extremes of yearning for a perfect union and expecting a relationship to fail from the start.  Because of the Obamas, I can now envision a marriage that remains strong and loving while also withstanding the toughest of adversities (minus the deal-breakers of abuse and disrespect).  In other words, I now have a picture of a thus-far (excuse me, my skeptical inner child of divorce grabbed the keyboard for a second) successful, realistic marriage.

The Obamas do more than just confess they have experienced tough times (as many married couples have told me). They provide a healthy blueprint for me whenever they appear together in public or speak of each other separately.  Every time President Obama unconsciously touches Michelle, my mind registers that it's ok to reveal one's heart in public. Every time Michelle gives an honest yet respectful answer about her husband in an interview, I learn how to be protective of my mate's ego...even when annoyed (I'm learning this one behavior is extremely underrated when dealing with a man!). With every intimate glance exchanged between the President and the First Lady, I learn how to watch for what my mom always calls "the twinkle" - that look from a man that tells me how he feels about me regardless of what his mouth (or other body parts) says (or doesn't say). Every time President Obama points out Michelle's contribution to his career and, most of all, to his physical, emotional, spiritual well-being, I learn how a secure man treats his mate as an equal partner in the relationship - regardless of his status in the world. Every time I see Malia and Sasha joyfully interacting with each other and their parents, I'm consciously and unconsciously reminded of how a well-functioning family looks and acts.

So thank you President and First Lady Obama for helping me reframe my marriage ideal and showing me that my version of perfection - with all of its perfect imperfections - does exist beyond my imagination. The Obama marriage is like medicine for my severe case of commitment-phobia.

I know I'm not alone. I see others also watching this marriage to see how to find that sweet spot of work-life-love balance. Then each of us can answer marriage questions for ourselves: is marriage still a viable institution? Is it still necessary in our society? Or has the ideal/expectation of marriage outlived its usefulness? 

To me, this picture symbolizes the idealized version of marriage that most of us have in our minds: straight posture, fresh boutonniere, perfect makeup & hair, and happy smiles for the camera...This is the picture that gets sent in the thank you card to all of the wedding guests...

Meanwhile, this picture illustrates the reality of marriage: after the party's over and the guests are gone, shoes are kicked off, slumped postures, but the contentment and love shines through. President Obama has stated that this is his favorite picture of him and Michelle. He keeps this portrait on his desk in the Oval Office.

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Related articles:
The Obamas' Marriage (New York Times) 10/26/09
The Obamas: 2 People Who Love Each Other (Chicago Sun Times) 7/13/08  (funny engagement story here)
Before Michelle, Barack Obama Thought Marriage Was a Meaningless Institution Blah Blah (Jezebel) 3/3/08
The Obama Marriage: What It Could Mean For His Presidency (Slate) - 10/29/07